Improv Gives You Wings
It’s my 7th month at the Deep Dive, and I’m starting to feel like a new person. This probably sounds muted next to the people who declare lavishly: “that workshop changed my LIFE!” Nope. It didn’t. It lasted like two hours, lezbehonest.
It’s true that we do change. After the workshop, they had a deeper understanding, a wider perspective. Something is different, but not everything.
The Deep Dive has been a unique opportunity to go much further than that. When you have 9 months to work on yourself every day in a safe but focused environment with a dedicated mentor that holds you accountable, your life really does change. A little every day.
And I haven’t just been working on myself as a person or an artist. I’m also enrolled in an intensive TOEFL exam prep course where I’m working morning and night to start my own business: TOEFL Prep with Paige. This period of my life is a veritable crucible that I think will yield a fine metal.
I’ve been thinking a lot about anxiety over the past few weeks. I noticed that in my life, what I used to call “performance anxiety” is actually social anxiety. Social anxiety is of course based on feeling like you have to perform for other people and shows up whenever you feel like you’re being judged. For me, this doesn’t just show up when I perform — It shows up in everyday conversation.
Throughout my life, I’ve experienced varying levels of social anxiety, whether I was suddenly afraid to have a conversation with a cashier at the grocery store or whether I was going to give a webinar to tens of thousands of people online. In the past, my move has been to immediately confront the fear and do whatever my brain was scared of so I wouldn’t end up a paralyzed puddle of inhibition. You gotta get back on that horse while you still can, right?
By the way, have you ever seen someone who just got bucked off a horse get right back on another one? That would be a moving scene to watch.
Nowadays people like labels for mental illnesses/disorders. It quiets the chaos and makes it easier to google search. I, for one, am a fan. It validates your thoughts and feelings and makes you feel a little less insane. Unless, perhaps, your diagnosis is insanity.
It’s true that these categories can be limiting — some people resign themselves to their disorder and become ossified against change. An excuse for any occasion. Maybe their label scares them and makes them think less of themselves. I don’t believe that I am the sum of a label, nor do I feel trapped in it. For me, the label sets me free.
When I found online that my issue was called “Social Anxiety.” I was relieved. YES! IT’S NOT JUST WHEN I’M ONSTAGE! I KNEW IT!
A category that made sense. I’m a girl that loves organization — you can find me patrolling an office supply store for hours, smelling the paper, drooling over the pens. My wall is papered with calendars and post it notes (ironically my room is also always a screaming nightmare — my love of office supplies and organizers doesn’t translate into a clean room). Now that I have my category, I can google search some strategies. Now I can hear what others have to say about what works and what doesn’t. Of course, at some point, you will have to walk the journey alone, but it sure is nice to have a map. And a water bottle of clarity.
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a hard time simply speaking to friends and colleagues. My brain has been in emergency “THEY’RE JUDGING ME” mode. And to be clear, I experience this in situations where I am very obviously NOT being judged.
Friendly person: Paige, why don’t you tell us a highlight or lowlight of your Christmas holiday?
-*Gulp.* Uhhh… well…. What am I supposed to say? What if I don’t have anything interesting or funny to say? Let’s see what [insert other name here] says….Just think of a couple things and say it. Stop thinking about it! Just let it be spontaneous. What if nothing comes out? Damnit!
Friendly person: OK guys, now we’re going to play adult follow the leader. The person in front leads everyone else in a movement!
Me: What movement? Uh oh, I’m in the front. What if I do it wrong? Damnit!
#debilitating
The first thing that goes when you’re socially anxious is your ability to improvise and be a normal person saying a thing. This problem is obviously not only related to performing but also every moment of your social interactions. It affects your ability to play a game, to tell a simple story, to share a one-sentence opinion. To write. To teach. You feel like everything you’re saying or doing is wrong, stupid, and worthless. Every word you utter is followed by feelings of fear, shame, and self-doubt. This, my friends, is an exhausting battle worthy of many mental breakdowns. Are you tired yet? Whew. I’m tired.
The cool thing is once you know what it is, you can label it and separate it from yourself. You can understand that it’s there and let it come and go as it pleases. Some days it disappears completely and you feel like you’re flying.
For me, improv is my life gym. It’s where I practice being loose and focused with people, flexible and unattached. It’s the place where I practice saying the wrong thing without hesitation, shame, or regret. I can work on my social anxiety methodically. To be sure, it doesn’t happen overnight or even over a couple of weeks, but it happens. Change happens a little every day. The gift of a nine month program is you get to look back at 7 months and see how the muscle has grown.
Where do you get your workout? Comment below with your thoughts!
